There are times

which almost seem irreal.

There have been too many events this year and for dealing with the emotions, I've blunted them altogether. Starting from January - death of my brother, big quarrel between Pete and his older son, finding out my expecting status, my mother's cancer diagnose and operation.... And all the time I haven't been able to do anything else than just sitting and thinking and living my everyday life.



The past weeks we've been actively brainstorming the possibility of moving over the pond again. All together. Not right tomorrow, but perhaps after a year or two. But browsing the real estate sites, always brings me to the earth again. House prices in Estonia are ridiculously high. Watching some of the more exclusive ones, I wanted to ask if we were talking about California instead of Central and South Estonia. It makse me wonder who can afford these houses after all. I'm afraid that bunch of people must lend themselves broken these days.

On the other hand, job market for doctors seems to be favourable. All I hear is lack of doctors.



Priit goes to preschool this September. He has 3 years until he should go to school in Estonia.

His reading has improved immensly, both in Estonian and English. Although he reads English like Estonian, I wonder if he will have problems at school beacuse of that.



Although I feel totally ambigous about my own future career or let's better say job opportunities, I've almost constantly gone on with my USMLE preparation. Learning is good - takes away worries and give some change for everyday routine and being in the child world. I think that I've never known as much of biochemistry, immunology, pathology as I know right now. During learning all the excitment of medicine comes back and all the hardships tend to be forgotten.

Brief Updates

Life's been good. California was wonderful.
I haven't written anything because I've taken up studying for USMLE quite seriously recently. It goes rather slowly, but there has been some improvement though. Although I still feel ambiguity about the whole process, I'm going on. There is something which pulls me to books all the time.
Peter thinks I might find out about the physician's assistant possibilities, but it seems a bit inappropriate to go to collage for two years to become an assistant after 10 years of studying to become a doctor and working for 5 years. I talked to Kai over phone about the issue and she said that she didn't see a reason for me not to try to persue the doctor's career.
Well, we'll see how it goes.

A Californian Intermezzo's Coming

We are off to LA tomorrow morning. Strangely, I'm all calm, no much excitment. What about my dream to see the ocean... we'll be living on the coast!!!
I guess, I'm supressing the underlying feelings - concern, nervousness. About how would the flights go, would I be able to be myself at Peter's mother, would Priit behave properly. The biggest concern is whether I will understand what they talk and whether they will understand my accent. I've always understood Peter very well. He says that he doesn't speak differently with me, but I guess, he does though, perhaps unconscieously - more clearly and slowly.
Peter's brother will show up with his family too. Maybe it's the main reason why I feel a bit anxious. Well, seems that I'm prejudiced, but can't help - after his sarcasm to Peter before we got married, I'd rather not meet him. Like Peter said: D will smile all the time, yet make you cry. I don't like sharpness, more so as I tend to attack back instantly, being sharp myself or overreacting and being too sensitive. I hope that 5 years of experience in dealing with all kind of situations in my professional life, has made my skin thick enough, not to let me to be too bothered.
Well, I shouldn't be preoccupied with these negative thoughts, but enjoy our little vacation. Peter is happy and excited - he is a Californian boy after all, who needs to be there from time to time. So I'd better think positively not to ruin his enthusiasm with my moping. Back to packing...

A Brief Americana

We were asked in our first ESL class what had been our biggest surprise concerning America. I couldn't help and had to tell about my impression when I saw how people didn't feel a necessity to lock their doors here. For my suprise, one of my classmate's husband, a native Arizonan who has lived in Midwest for a short period, told that the same thing had impressed him too and this was why he especially liked Midwest. I guess, it's not universal here either, we just live in a really good community.


A woman from India pointed out the individuality of the American society compared to Indian. India is much more family-centered - decisions are made in family, people depend on family. I think, in this regard, Estonia is somewhere between.


The wife of the Arizonan, an Ukrainian woman told how the American dispersed (scattered) settlement impressed her. In Ukraina there are either big cities or big villages, no scattered settlement. I've got the same impression of Ukraina according to my two visits there.

Trying to eat some seafood and talking about history

I was positively suprised that I actually managed to swallow a scallop yesterday. It tasted like...mmmm.... like a sea, I'd say. It tasted like sea smells. Anyway, it was ok, but it's not my favourite food. I also hoped that I'd be brave enough to taste schrimps again, but no, it didn't happen. (I looked up how is scallop in Estonian, but found that it almost doesn't have any sense because I've never heard this word in Estonian. Although we live by the sea, apparently we aren't a seafood eating nation).

I haven't figured it out - my schrimp fear. About 10 years ago, I visited a Chinese restaurant and ate a lot of schrimps there. It was a buffet type of restaurant and my friend had said to me that I should try schrimps and eat them a lot. It was the first time I ever saw a schrimp and I ate them a lot. I guess they tasted ok. Later in the evening I was totally sick, sat in the toilet vomitting. Now I think it was purely overeating. A month later we visted a Japanese restaurant and there were schrimps on my plate again. The outcome was the same - I ended my day sitting in the toilet. And after this my mind associates this sick feeling with schrimps. We visited the Japanese restaurants many times after this as my friends' son loved it and I just ate rice there. I remember one time while the chef, for some reason, seemed to put extra scrimps and extra big ones on my plate - Lena telling me that I seemed to be his favourite, and I unfortunately didn't dare to try anything. It was embarrasing. In the end, he stopped even looking at me.



We watched a documentary yesterday - "America in Forties". When the story-teller announced that Nazy-Germany attacked Poland in September, 1939, I asked Peter if he knew that the Soviet Union began his attack just a bit later and actually occupied the estern part of Poland. He told that he hadn't even heard of it. I guess, the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact isn't discussed much except in Eastern European countries. The Soviet Union ended up as a winner and evidently one shouldn't judge winners.

It just made me thought how subjective can our knowleadge about history be. The same way as Peter doesn't know how the Soviet Union was actually an aggressor in the beginning of the war and also about this country's genocide against its own people, I hadn't heard anything about Iwo Jima, for example. I guess, there was only a vague notion in my mind of WWII going on on the Pacific as well. For me it had been totally an European matter.

Rain period

I've noticed a frustrating tendency lately - Priit has begun to make a lot of mistakes while speaking Estonian. Saying "söösin" instead of "sõin", "poodis" instead of "poes", "oasid" instead of "ubasid", "loesime" instead of "lugesime" etc. All the same type of mistakes, the ones which foreign speakers tend to make. The input of Estonian language hasn't been sufficient recently, I guess. Although I talk to him almost always in Estonian, he doesn't hear it being used by lot of people. Or perhaps it's just normal for this age to make these grammatical mistakes? Anyway, I've switched back to Estonian books. On the contrary, his English improves at daily bases. He formes pretty good long sentences, even uses auxillary verbs. Tends to use "did" instead of "do" though. But it's so cool to watch how he communicates with Peter and Geeper and his friends.

It seems that we've entered into the rain period now. It has been raining for 2-5 inches every day and there has been heavy thunderstorms. It's quite amazing that there hasn't been any problems with the electricity. It's really good that all the electricity pipes are under the ground in this town.
It's still very hot, in mid 90s of F and humid. Feels like a tropical climate, at least how I imagine a tropical climate. It's good that I have this subject, weather, to discuss with my father now. He has always been so keen about weather changes and the certain question which he asks every time we talk to is: What's the weather like?
Our garden looks like a jungle - all the plants are tall, with deep green leaves, weeds have taken power. We started our fight with them yesterday with Priit. He is a really big helper. He likes to do "real work" - wash dishes, wipe the floors, help me with laundry.... a big boy he is already.

Insight

I've said to myself about a thousands times that nothing could suprises me in this world and yet, there are simple things which still catch me unaware. For example, reading from a newspaper that Heidi Klum was given about 9 million USD for posing nude for some magazine - it really amazed me once again how much money there must be in this world. And how eager we are to pay for anything considering sex, uncovered personal lives or bodies.


For the contrast of that, we watched a documentary yesterday - "Pandemia: Facing AIDS. Uganda, India, Brazil, Thailand, Russia". It was good to see that in some countries there is actually some improvement considering AIDS, e.g. Uganda. Considering Estonia, I'm afraid that the worst is to come yet. So far it has been mostly a disease of drug addicts. But I think that there must be already a lot of HIV carriers in steady relationships, marriages who don't even suspect that they might check themselves.
Every once and a while I watch a film which makes me feel that I should give my own little effort to make something better, to change things. And then I know, of course that it's just the easiest way to feel myslef well for a while and then fall back into my own comfortable laziness. I also think that I lack ideas what could be done.


Thinking back of the time when I still worked, I could have had a lot of opportunities then to do these little things, to help or just to be nice to the people who needed it the most, who didn't have much support from anywhere. And it seems to me, that inspite of the good will, I felt rather frustrated in the end and often wished to get rid of these responsibilities. Going home in the afternoon, wishing to turn myslef off from all the world. I was apparently burned out. Apparently a frequent phenominen for "helping professions" - not having enough resources, enough time and support for doing what you do and in the end there are two solutions - you either accept the limitations (that you are not a kind of doctor you'd have wanted to be) or leave. Otherwise you will end up being depressed. So, I felt I wasn't a kind of doctor I had wanted to be and I left. But the memory is evidently short, these negative things tend to become vague and the result is that I'm thinking of stepping into it again.



Regarding sex, we've talked a lot about it with Peter lately. What is it about sex, which makes people to behave absolutely insane. In the documentary which I mentioned earlier, there was an Indian man, a truck driver who told that at some instances, seeing the prostitutes by the road, he just couldn't refuse to have a 5- minute pleasure despite knowing all the dangers coming with it. Then we thought that perhaps these women know some trick. And they probably do know how to make a man come fast - is this what we are really seeking for, a quick and intense pleasure without much effort? I asked Peter if he lacks this "fast job" too. He laughed and said that he was totally ok with the way I was. Well, I feel relieved for now. (I'm happy that we have quite the similar sense of humour and that we really make jokes and laugh a lot together).



I guess, I'm actually more satisfied with being in my skin than ever before, knowing that there is no point to be too much preoccupied with the thoughts of future. I'm not in control of it anyway. I'm rather trying to enjoy every single day I have given. And this notion is liberating.

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All my books have arrived - prompt shipping, really, I'm very satisfied with the Amazon sellers service. So far I've gone through introduction to histology and right now dealing with cell nucleus - lot of genetics, cell biology. It's actually quite awful, how much I've forgotten.

The two last days I've felt a bit feverish, actually. I can't imagine it to be any virus infection. How could it happen in the "subtropical" climate... I suppose it's rather a consequence of air-conditioning and wind. I don't even remember when was the last time I woke up well-rested. One half of the nose is constantly blocked. I'm wondering whether it's a result of air-conditioning, the carpets or something else, but I just long for getting up in a good state, not feeling like passing out.

Time to start working

Yesterday we ordered 7 books from Amazon: 3 pathology, 2 physiology, 1 biochemistry and one review (First Aid) book. So, it's time to make myself a schedule for studying. And trying to spend less time serching the Internet and blogging. I also asked Pete to wake and GET me up earlier since now as I thought that it might be a good idea to do some exercises in the morning. Instead, today we almost slept in. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Yesterday, after Pete came home, we went by the river again. Grilled some hamburgers and went fishing. It's so calming. And Priit totally loves it too.

Things, I miss

As a child, we lived in a place which was surrounded by a bog from two sides and by the fileds from the other sides. There wasn't any real forests near to wander in. But the last 5 years which I spent in South Estonia made me quite a nature child. Now I need to walk in the woods.

We spend quite a lot of time here in the nature too, but still I felt that there was something missing, that it wasn't this... it wasn't the same.... Finally I understood that the thing I was longing was a smell - smell of pine woods. The smell of needles, smell of moss and sand. There isn't evergreen woods here, the main tree in the woods seem to be oaks. But not the strong big oaks like in Estonia but thinner ones. Of course, it's prairie here.

And then I thought what might be the other things which I miss here (I'm not talking about people nor communication here, only things). The other thing which all the Estonians, living in the foreign countries, seem to miss is the Estonian rye bread. Like at most of the world, people prefer wheat bread here. Although we've found two kinds of rye bread too from the grocery store, it doesn't taste like an Estonian one, the flour is too refined. I understand now my family friend from Sweden who had lived in Sweden for more than 50 years still always took many loaves of Estonian bread with him when going back to Sweden. By the way, Pete is now into rye bread too. I consider this along with the fact that he eats breakfast now (porridge!) a good Estonian (and mine) influence.

The other thing which I really miss at this time of year, is cold water from the well. I've been lucky, I've always lived in the areas with good water. It's not the way at every place in Estonia either. Although the wather in our town isn't too bad, you can still taste the chloride.

And of course there are moments when I would like to take some beautifully written Estonian book from the shelves. Good enough, there are two good libraries in the town, one of them is collage library where one can found lot of good nonfiction books.

And the final thing, I'd like to take my laundry out to dry. There is nothing better than freshly smelling linen. But on the other hand it would mean that I should begin to iron them too and it would take away my free time which I can use for example... for blogging (hmmm.... perhaps I should start to iron my linen though...?)

I guess that lot of Estonia also miss sauna, but it's not an issue for me. I'm very pleased with the American comforts regarding plumbing. Perhaps it's related to the years when the only good washing place really was sauna besides a big bowl at the corner of the kitchen.

Yes, still one more thing - natural lakes to swim in. But to be honest, there is a very good pool and water-park in our small town here. It's superb. But sometimes I do miss these little lakes of Estonia - private and clean.

Of course there are things which I would miss while back in Estonia. For example:

• children playgrounds (there are lot of of them here)
• the possibility of not owning an ironing machine
• two-line good roads

Nice weekend again

The last days we've been busy with watching films and spending time outside. On Saturday we went to pick blackberries from the countryside. Most of the berries weren't ripe yet but we still managed to make two jars of jam. Actually, Pete made of course. In the evening we had a nice fishing tour again, didn't caught nothing but it was really enjoyable though. Priit has a lot to do by the river and as Pete enjoys fishing hugely, I'm for it every time too.
Yesterday we went by the Skunk river and triving back headed to small gravel roads. It was like driving in Southern Estonia - little farm houses, dusty trees and perceivably fresh air. I like this countryside. There are hills like in Haanja, only the perspective is much broader. And there doesn't seem to be natural small lakes in the area. I also miss pine trees, the smell of evergreen trees, my walkes in Rõuge woods. Here there are lot of oaks, but as they grow in the woods, they are much smaller that Estonian oaks which grow in the fields. It is prairie here, of course.

We watched two good movies this weekend too: "Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind" with Jim Carrey and Kate Winslate and "Spanglish". Both were categorized as comedies, but the former was far from being it. It was rather psychodelic, delusional, also warning - don't mess with memory. I guess, at some point we would like to erase some memories, some embarrasing, painful or just annoying ones... but would we be ourselves after that? The latter film was very nice comedy, soulful with pretty people. I had also taken "American Beauty" from the library but Pete didn't feel like watching it again, saying that it's too sad.

About This and That

Priit has been a very good boy the whole week. He has actually been able to play by himself. He's growing!

Yesterday I met Cindra V in the library and we'll begin our ESL classes in September. There will be lot of immigrants.

Yesterday's film - "The Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith was good. I like to watch the films with happy ending. It's just me. There is enough concerns without depressive films.

I also started a blog in Estonian and of course ended up with complaining and whining and discussing bourgeoisness in someone's blog. In the end it made me feel sick in my stomach. I mean, this Estonian like whining and trying to be wise. But it's me. At least I hope that this way Pete doesn't have to listen to my constant talk while coming home from work.

On films

It's still intolerably hot.... and August is yet ahead. I'd have never thought that climate could be a problem for me. I think the main problem is that it's too humid here. These temperatures (90 - 100 F) would be ok by the sea, I guess.

We caught our first real fish on Friday. A big catfish from Des Moines river. I like it there - nice breeze, sound of water, even the smell of (dead) fish has become more tolerable.

Otherwise tha weekend was a movie marathon. We watched "The Isaland" (with Scalett Johannsen and Ewan McGregor) - Pete liked it a lot, I'd say - a good film; "The Departed" (with Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon and Jack Nicholson) - in the beginning didn't like it and went to bed, tried again next day and found it quite enjoyable despite I don't like to see violance; "Crash" (got 3 Academy Awards) - interesting, reminds me of "Magnolia", makes you think and argue and conclude that there are two mistakes which people make - they don't listen to and they talk too much; "Under the Sun of Tuscany" (with Diane Lane) - nonpretentious, calm and enjoyable watching; "The FamilyStones" (with Sarah Jessica Parker, Diane Keaton) - good enough comedy.
The other interesting movies I've seen lately: "The House of Sand and Fog" - really unpredictable, changed even Pete's view on Iranians... agitated lot of thoughts; "Prestige" - interesting, a bit mystical, balancing on the line between reality and irreality; "Long Way Round" (Ewan McGreror and his friend travelling around the world with motobikes) - very interesting and enjoyable, especially the parts regarding Mongolia and Siberia; "Lake House" (with Sandra Bullock and Keenu Reeves) - story is cool and romance is cool, bases on an Asian film; "Little Children" - again interesting, unpredictable, but left me oddly nausetic; "A girl in the cafe" - different, I enjoyed... there are many others, but I have to go and prepare dinner now, nothing fancy, just leftovers, I'm afraid.

A Hot Saturday Musings

It's very hot, about 95 degrees F. The summer really is different here, longer and warmer.
Hurray - Priit finally stepped on his foot yesterday! And although he walks on his toes, it's seems to be a good sign.
We met with B and Zanna and their kids yesterday at park. She is a very nice person, came here from Turkmenistan 9 years ago. She is a physician also, working as a sonographist right now. We seem to be quite in the same situation and both a bit mixed up, don't know which way to turn. Anyway, it was good to talk to someone in the same situation, to tell my mind about these issues.
Pete went to Des Moines to sell hot-dogs in a baseball game. Yeah! The fathers of PA-s football team do ity to rais money for their team. Priit is asleep and I finished my 3rd French track.

On learning languages

For the last few weeks I've spent most of my free time studying. In the beginning Peter thought that I could learn to programm. So I picked up HTML. It was quite amazing feeling how you are really capable of building some basic pages of only after an hour. I'm still a bit excited about it, although apparently nothing will come out of it. And I've also picked up French again. From the very beginning and it's fun. Pimsleur listening method is really terrific, makes you hear the language differently, more correctly, I hope.
Today we went to the collage library with Priit as I wanted to take some English books and met a lady in the campus. She gave me an email of a woman who teaches ESL classes in the town and introduced us also to a man whos wife is from Ukraine and also a doctor. We arranged to meet up at 7.30 on the playground today. I hope Priit will enjoy other children's company although he can't really walk yet. The man told that they have learned quite a lot about getting a doctor's licence here, perhaps it would help me to make up my mind too.
Fortunately, Priit's foot is much better today, almost not swollen at all anymore. And yesterday he used it pretty well while playing with Brooke and Sydney in the backyard. But it's evidently still really sore to walk on it. We had a row with Pete about Priit's foot and the necessity of the X-ray yesterday. I totally freaked out thinking that it might have been still broken. Ah, I wish I could have managed to hold myself back better.

My learning English

• on a spree - pummeldamas, lõbusalt aega veetmas
• to get thorough - üle elama, taluma, vastu pidama
• to make out - to do, to manage, to to handle affairs, to be successful
• to move ahead - edasi liikuma, edukas olema
• mixed up - segaduses
• to count on / eeldama, millelegi lootma

The 4th of July

We had a nice Indipendance Day. In the afternoon Pete's friends came over and we grilled stake. And at night we went to watch a fireworks at another's friends house. It was quite a firework, really. The night before we watched a "private" fireworks at the third friends house. Asd it was quite near to us, Priit was scared. He sat most of the time at my arms, his head on my lap.
Priit hurt his left foot badly on Saturday. He sat at the back of Peter's bicycle and his foot got between the weel. It seemed quite horrible in the beginning. Fortunately, it's improving right now. The doctor said that nothing was broken. Although I'm not sure that anybody could tell it just looking at the foot for a minute without even touching it. Or it's just a question of experience which I lack.... Well, I hope that all will be all right.

On edge

I think that the 3 month went pretty well. But the last few weeks I've been somehow anxious. I guess that the main reason is uncertainy of my future visions. And this makes me wander around the house, not doing anything reasonable. Whether to try to continue my medical career here or focus on something else, it's a queastion which I'm not able to answer. Thinking about trying to get into residency - it really must be a crazy thought. Didn't I feel relieved after finishing my practice back home! What am I thinking right now, then?!

I think, it's actually the first time, I feel really homesick. I miss the communication, I miss the places, I miss the people... I miss being someone. Perhaps it's partly because Pete has working for 10-hours schedule for quite a while now and also worked the last weekends on his own projects. The money problem, a "present" from my past - a constant source of unconscious anxiety.

Well, after all, I'm not depressed. I have my loved ones - my son and he's doing well (with all his tantrums, which are not too bad considering all), it's been amazing to see how he has become bilingual with such a short time; my husband with whom I match really well (I think I didn't even believe anymore that it could be possible to feel myself so well with someone, did I?) and I have my home, a house which suits so well for us, a nice backyard with all the flowers, raspberries and strawberries.... mmmmm.....

It's time to organize myself better.



My Learning English

• (to be) cutting edge -to be involved in most recent developments, eesrinnas
• slacker - luuser
• a fish out of water - nagu kala kuival