Insight

I've said to myself about a thousands times that nothing could suprises me in this world and yet, there are simple things which still catch me unaware. For example, reading from a newspaper that Heidi Klum was given about 9 million USD for posing nude for some magazine - it really amazed me once again how much money there must be in this world. And how eager we are to pay for anything considering sex, uncovered personal lives or bodies.


For the contrast of that, we watched a documentary yesterday - "Pandemia: Facing AIDS. Uganda, India, Brazil, Thailand, Russia". It was good to see that in some countries there is actually some improvement considering AIDS, e.g. Uganda. Considering Estonia, I'm afraid that the worst is to come yet. So far it has been mostly a disease of drug addicts. But I think that there must be already a lot of HIV carriers in steady relationships, marriages who don't even suspect that they might check themselves.
Every once and a while I watch a film which makes me feel that I should give my own little effort to make something better, to change things. And then I know, of course that it's just the easiest way to feel myslef well for a while and then fall back into my own comfortable laziness. I also think that I lack ideas what could be done.


Thinking back of the time when I still worked, I could have had a lot of opportunities then to do these little things, to help or just to be nice to the people who needed it the most, who didn't have much support from anywhere. And it seems to me, that inspite of the good will, I felt rather frustrated in the end and often wished to get rid of these responsibilities. Going home in the afternoon, wishing to turn myslef off from all the world. I was apparently burned out. Apparently a frequent phenominen for "helping professions" - not having enough resources, enough time and support for doing what you do and in the end there are two solutions - you either accept the limitations (that you are not a kind of doctor you'd have wanted to be) or leave. Otherwise you will end up being depressed. So, I felt I wasn't a kind of doctor I had wanted to be and I left. But the memory is evidently short, these negative things tend to become vague and the result is that I'm thinking of stepping into it again.



Regarding sex, we've talked a lot about it with Peter lately. What is it about sex, which makes people to behave absolutely insane. In the documentary which I mentioned earlier, there was an Indian man, a truck driver who told that at some instances, seeing the prostitutes by the road, he just couldn't refuse to have a 5- minute pleasure despite knowing all the dangers coming with it. Then we thought that perhaps these women know some trick. And they probably do know how to make a man come fast - is this what we are really seeking for, a quick and intense pleasure without much effort? I asked Peter if he lacks this "fast job" too. He laughed and said that he was totally ok with the way I was. Well, I feel relieved for now. (I'm happy that we have quite the similar sense of humour and that we really make jokes and laugh a lot together).



I guess, I'm actually more satisfied with being in my skin than ever before, knowing that there is no point to be too much preoccupied with the thoughts of future. I'm not in control of it anyway. I'm rather trying to enjoy every single day I have given. And this notion is liberating.

------

All my books have arrived - prompt shipping, really, I'm very satisfied with the Amazon sellers service. So far I've gone through introduction to histology and right now dealing with cell nucleus - lot of genetics, cell biology. It's actually quite awful, how much I've forgotten.

The two last days I've felt a bit feverish, actually. I can't imagine it to be any virus infection. How could it happen in the "subtropical" climate... I suppose it's rather a consequence of air-conditioning and wind. I don't even remember when was the last time I woke up well-rested. One half of the nose is constantly blocked. I'm wondering whether it's a result of air-conditioning, the carpets or something else, but I just long for getting up in a good state, not feeling like passing out.